I have judgments. Many. I have judgments about my judgments. Many.
And if I felt like digging deeper, I could probably go so far to say that I judge the judgments of my judgments.
If only I could figure out a way to make money on this whole shebang.

I am 30 and I want to be in a relationship. However, there is the shape of my body and the fact that I LA and sometimes it feels like those two things and being in a great relationship are all mutually exclusive. And I want to just be open to magic of the universe and allow it to bring me to that amazing man whomever he is. But some days I get caught up in the judgment, which only leads to lonely feelings smooshing away within my heart.
I can't tell where I am now. It is Friday and I have no plans which could easily lead me to judgment about how the fuck am I supposed to meet someone when I am in my house. And yet, I have this incredible sense of peace and openness in my heart. And I feel fine about being at home...there are projects I am truly exciting about diving into. I love spending time with myself and my work does not allow alone time which for me is totally essential.
If I listen to my heart, I revel in this personal delight. If I listen to my mind, I get caught up in stories trying to convince myself of million things wondering when and if the things that I dream up in this charming noggin of mine will actually come true and if they don't what does that say about me and what does it all mean...exhausting.
The choice, even to my mind is easy. It doesn't take the wanting away. I guess I could just enjoy that too.

I started to write about my job, and it felt disingenuous. I don't want to anticipate the stress. I have the skills to deal if that comes forward. However, I would rather hold for the best. For grace and ease...ask for Spirit's assistance and know that I will get it. I would rather do what I challenge clients to do all the time.
So tomorrow, I ask for grace, ease and delight. I am open to my anger management class (that I am teaching, not suffering through) to be received with open minds by the girls. I hold that the class will go quickly and smoothly.
Monday, I set the intention that I would be able to take my days off rather then popping into the office to see clients. And it looks like it is coming true. I am damn close to meeting my billing expectations. So next week, I intend to meet my billing expectations by wednesday when I leave work. I also intend to have my billing complete by Tuesday morning.

I had no idea that being a therapist meant to much paperwork...or meetings. I am glad I didn't know that before hand.

I have to say that I am glad that most days, I leave work with a clear and light heart...glad that I was there.

I held a writing group for the teens I work with. It actually went better then I thought. People actually participated. 6 girls stayed in the room the whole time. One who was in and out actually came back not screaming at me. In my world, that is a big fucking win. No one fought, no one cried and a few of the girls wrote some really great stuff. I do love that some girls were into writing...they were into being creative and expressing themselves.

Some days it is easy to stay in my loving with the girls...to see them as divine beings having a human experience...and to empathize with the incredible craziness that they have experienced. Some days, I want to scream and yell and make them listen. I know that part of that is me and my desire to be heard and liked...and part of that is the reactions they have learned to elicit from people.

I have so much more to say on this...but the truth is I am exhausted. I "should" be working on notes, but I worked almost 11 hours today and I just can't seem to bring myself to do it.

So for now I wish myself sweet dreams.

My intention here is to write...something other then copious client notes.
Simple I know, but I wonder if I can actually maintain that intention. Or rather back that intention up with action. I know that I feel this pull within me to write, at least more than I am currently. I go in spurts...with writing. Sometimes I write all time and other times not at all. I am in a shift...a shift towards writing. Or rather I am pulling myself in a shift. The writing, even this makes me feel better...better then I had been before. Writing client notes makes me miss writing for me...writing without a format or a purpose. Writing where people have names and I don't have to justify why my actions are billable. Not that it is bad...it takes time and there never seems to be enough to get all my notes home. In fact, what I committed to finishing some notes before bedtime steals me away. And what am I doing...this. Typing away to the nothingness. And it feels good, so I do it.

This is amazing!

I have decided that spring is my favorite season here in LA. This is due solely to the fact that this is when the Yucca plants blossom. Oh god, they are so beautiful they make my whole self sing right down to my toes. Our Lords Candle...that is what they are also called. That is what they are for me, little drops of god's light reminding me of silly and joy and love and magic and tingly sparkly things.

I was hoping they were already springing up when I left this afternoon. I took a drive...my drive. Mulholland Highway starting in Calabasas ending 19 miles to Oxnard on PCH. I didn't see any at first but it didn't matter...the air was warm, the top was down, the a/c blew gently and the music was perfect. But then, one baby blossom in the distance and soon they were everywhere. Every time I would think oh, this is just the beginning of the season and I won't see many, a whole sea of those precious little bells would spring up dotting the mountains. The other day I pulled a card from a Doreen Virtue Fairy deck and the card was Spring. It said something to the effect that my dreams would begin manifesting when the flowers bloom. I knew just what flowers those fairies were talking about...

I ended up driving up past Santa Barbara almost up to Solvang before my enthusiasm waned and I knew I wanted to make the southways trip back. It was gorgeous though...and I can't wait to do it again.